


can we get up and try to feel okay again?

by raazberry



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hugs, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Nightmares, Sharing a Bed, jared is really nice, sorry about projecting on richard so hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:34:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28576092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raazberry/pseuds/raazberry
Summary: Richard has a nightmare, and opens up to Jared.Trigger Warning for Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault.Title from OK by Wallows :)
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Comments: 7
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

When it comes to Richard, there are _so_ many things that Jared would like to know better about.

He would like to know how the man grew up, and what school was like for him.

He would like to know why Richard isn’t big on physical affection.

He would like to know what Richard thinks of his parents.

He wants to know _everything_ that Richard would like to tell him about himself.

And Richard wants nothing more than for someone to just _listen_ to him, without judgment or pity.

Contrary to what some of the people around him think, Richard had a bit of a tough childhood. His parents split up when he was nine, he got bullied for what felt like his entire academic life, he didn’t really have any _friends_ friends until he met Bighead, and the people he trusted often took advantage of him. Bighead was probably the only exception.

Richard never really brings up any of this unprompted because it’s whatever. Other people have it worse anyway. Nobody wants to listen to a middle-aged man talk about how he had a bit of a sad childhood, you know?

And then Jared came along, with his traumatic childhood and unwavering faith, and Richard felt safe for the first time in his life. This was a person, who for some reason loves him and cares for him no matter how much he fucks up (and he fucks up _a lot_ ) and turns out that that’s what he’d been looking for his entire life. Someone he could count on. Someone who wouldn’t break his trust. Someone who wouldn’t take advantage of him. Somebody who would let him be in control but not shy away from helping him if he made mistakes.

\--

On a particularly cold November night, Richard listens to Jared shiver in his garage from his desk, so he decides to check up on him. 

“Jared. Are you alright?’

“Oh, why, yes, Richard. I’m just a little chilly, but it’s nothing too much! I’ve slept in colder rooms.”

“I can hear you shivering from my desk, Jared. You’ll get sick if you sleep here. Why don’t you just sleep in my room? I have a shit ton of blankets there, if that’d help.”

“Are you sure, Richard?” Jared asks, the lightbulb in the garage reflecting from his eyes.

“Of course, man.” He smiles.

\--

Richard helps a tall, cold Jared into his room. Jared insists on sleeping on the floor, but Richard just shakes his head at him.

“That would defeat the entire point of this. The floor is really fucking cold. Just sleep on the bed, okay? I don’t mind.”

“But what about you, Richard?”

“I’m not that sleepy anyway. I might just pull an all-nighter and work until it’s morning.”

“Richard, that’s not good for you. Also, I noticed that you didn’t sleep yesterday either. Are you having trouble sleep-“

“Jared. I’m okay, I promise. Just go to sleep.”

Jared nods, but not before he tries to fist bump Richard. It was a new thing he was trying ( _It’s for team building!_ he'd said). Richard almost giggles, but meets Jared’s fist with his own. Before leaving the room, he finds all the blankets in his room (which were a lot, by the way. Why does he have so many blankets? He’s just one person and his room isn’t fucking _Antarctica_ or anything.)

He keeps all the blankets next to Jared’s tall self who just smiles at him, and then he leaves. 

\--

The real reason why Richard couldn’t sleep was that he had been having nightmares about things he thought he had put behind himself. He woke up the day before yesterday, in the middle of the night, with his body grasping at all the blankets around him as if he would rather die than let go. 

_A boy, just a little bit taller than Richard walks into his room._

_“So, Richie, I need you to finish this Refraction assignment for me by tonight, okay?”_

_“But Nick… I have my Algebra final tomorrow… I don’t think-“_

_“Richie,” Nick sighs. “If you want to be able to sit for your fucking test tomorrow, just do what I say, hm?”_

_Richard nods, tearing up._

_“You seem to be crying, baby.” Nick’s mouth curls up into a smirk. “I’ll give you something to cry about.”_

_The taller boy closes the door and begins to undo his jeans._

_Richard starts crying even more. “I’ll do it- No, please don’t-“_

_Nick puts his fingers in Richard’s mouth to shut him up. He takes off his pants._

That’s pretty much how all of his nightmares started - in his college dorm room, with some guy or the other. Sometimes he would scream, _No, please don’t_ , in his sleep, but it wouldn’t do anything. It wouldn’t wake him up, and it wouldn’t make Nick or his cousin or Uncle Sean stop.

Ultimately, he decided that the best thing to do would be to just not sleep. You can’t get nightmares if your eyes are always open, Richard thinks.

\--

Jared quickly wakes up when he hears somebody scream. It’s instinct. He’d always been a light sleeper. You had to be, when you were living in abusive households. The slightest of sounds made Jared open his eyes and scan his surroundings.

He traces the screaming to the living room, where he finds Richard asleep on the sofa, clinging on to his laptop for dear life. Jared evaluates the best ways to remove the laptop from Richard’s grasp without waking him up, when Richard screams. 

The sound startles Jared, and he almost falls on top of Richard, but he catches himself before that. He realizes momentously that his boss must be having a nightmare.

“Richard? It’s me, Jared. It’s all okay. Please wake up.” He runs his hands through Richard’s hair (something he wouldn’t _dare_ to do without permission if Richard was awake.)

Richard instantly grabs hold of Jared’s hand, and twists it. Jared winces in pain.

“Richard. Richard, wake up. Please.” Even in his pained state, Jared tries to help Richard. He tries to shake the sofa instead of Richard himself, which finally wakes up the shorter man. He drops his laptop on the floor.

“STOP! What t--“ Tears start forming under Richard’s eyes. “Jared?”

“Captain… I think you were having a nightmare, but you’re okay, you’re safe, I’m here, I’ll eliminate anything that dares to so much as look at you with malicious intent--“

Richard tries to hold Jared’s arm, but the man pulls away as soon as Richard touches him.

“Oh! Sorry!” They both say at once.

Jared offers Richard his other hand, and he takes it.

“Richard, I don’t mean to pry or anything but if you want to talk, I’m here for you. I have some experiences with nightmares and I’d be happy to listen to you or help you in whatever way I can.”

“Thank you, Jared… I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep, heh,” Richard attempts to get off the sofa without stepping on his laptop. “Can I ask you for something weird?”

“Oh, Richard, you don’t have to _ask_ me if you can ask me for anything, weird or not.”

“You’re. Nice.” Richard squeezes Jared’s hand. “Um, Can I try to sleep in my room?”

“That’s not a weird thing to ask at all- I’d be happy to sleep on this sofa or even my garage, well not _my_ garage...” Suddenly his tone changes to one of concern. “Did this happen because I was sleeping in your bed, oh Richard, I am-“

“Jared, shut up,” Jared obeys. “I mean, no don’t _shut up_ , like no it wasn’t because of that, also. The weird thing. Um. I meant to ask. _Canisleepnexttoyouinmyroom_?”

Richard’s voice is shaking, Jared observes.

“Of course, Richard.” Jared nods solemnly. “That’s not a weird thing to ask.”

“Ohhkay.” Richard’s breathing has become heavier now, and thankfully Jared had learned by now how to figure out whenever Richard was about to start having a panic attack. He softly extends his hand towards Richard’s shoulder (who doesn’t flinch or shy away this time) and rubs it. He attempts to do something his therapist recommended for panic attacks called box breathing ( _For four seconds each, inhale, hold, then exhale, and then rest. Keep doing that until you feel like you’re in a better place and your breathing is stable_ , he said.) In about two minutes, he gets Richard to match his breathing which calms him down. 

“That was. Weirdly relaxing. Thank you, Jared.”

“You are welcome. Do you need help getting to the room?”

“No, no, I can manage that much. It won’t be weird right?”

“We can keep our hands to ourselves if that’s what’s worrying you.”

“Okay, then. Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I'm just completely projecting my trauma onto Richard here, sorry about that!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard can't sleep, so he talks to Jared.

Jared’s entire body is next to Richard’s

Jared’s entire body is next to Richard’s, in his bed.

Jared’s entire body is like, literally right next to Richard’s body and Jared’s turning and his hand is on Richard’s chest now, and _oh my god,_ Richard lets out a sigh.

It’s been about an hour.

“Richard, you are still awake.” Jared lifts his head. “If you want me to leave, I’d be more than willing—"

“No, I’m just, I can’t sleep. It’s not because of you. You’re—” Richard absent-mindedly puts his hand over Jared’s. “—nice.”

“Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?”

“Jared, I already woke you up by screaming because of a fucking dream. I’m not gonna fucking torture you by keeping you up all night listening to my ‘problems’.”

“You won’t be torturing me. I like to listen.” 

Richard sighs again. 

“Tell me, please?” Jared’s voice is so soft, Richard thinks. It’s softer than his favourite _Iron Man_ blanket, and he wonders if it’s possible to wrap someone’s voice around yourself.

He takes a deep breath, and begins speaking. 

“All right then, you asked. This is going to sound dumb, but like, being a kid wasn’t exactly great for me? And I should be over it by now, right? I should be. It should be all okay now, but it’s just not. I keep having these fucking nightmares about the stuff people did to me then and it’s so. When does it get better? I’m in my fucking thirties, Jared. And one of the biggest things keeping me back is my _childhood_. You’ve seen me talk to other people, you know how I literally can’t say one full fucking sentence without somehow insulting somebody, or puking my guts out. I wasn’t always like this, okay? I used to be good at talking. I used to be normal. And when I was in like, seventh grade, I started noticing that I wasn’t normal anymore. My mom told me that I’m having an awkward phase or whatever, all kids grow out of it, but I never fucking did. Sometimes I blame myself for everything that happened to me in high school and college because maybe, just maybe if I was better at speaking to other people and not such a fucking neurotic pain in the ass, I wouldn’t have let people take advantage of me. I would have—” Richard’s voice cracks. “—I would’ve told somebody about the things those guys were doing to me. I would’ve told my mom or just, somebody. You’re the first person I’m telling.”

Jared isn’t entirely sure how to respond to this. Usually, he has an answer for just about everything Richard would need a response to, but this was something entirely different. Did Richard even want a response? Richard was crying, and he didn’t know what to say. Jared started crying too. He isn’t sure who hugged who tighter, but suddenly they were holding each other like they were scared that if they let go, the other person might crumble, because maybe they would.

Richard slightly wipes his tears on Jared’s white t-shirt. Jared doesn’t mind.

“You probably think I’m stupid, I’m sorry for just _unloading_ all of this on you. I can’t even imagine how your childhood must’ve been, you’re so—”

“Richard? This isn’t a competition. Nobody wins. If something hurt you, it hurt you. Your feelings are more than valid. Just because all of this happened a long time ago, that doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to still be hurt. It’s okay, okay?” Jared runs his hand through Richard’s soft curls. 

Richard just sobs into Jared’s shoulder for what feels like days. 

“For the record, I’m sorry about what happened to you. Nobody deserves that and you definitely aren’t to blame. Those guys’ disgusting behaviour is completely on them and I’m really proud of you for finding the strength to tell somebody about what they did. Thank you for telling me.”

“It’s—It’s because I trust you. A lot.”

This makes Jared sob. “Thank you, Richard.” He mumbles. He feels Richard’s hand on his cheek, trying to wipe his tears. 

“Please don’t cry, I love you,” Richard whispers into Jared’s ear.

“I’m crying because I love you too.” Jared quickly replies.

After a few minutes, Richard falls asleep on Jared’s shoulder, and Jared follows.

They wake up with hurting backs, but they had a good night's sleep and felt infinitely more relaxed, so it was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i always appreciate comments/kudos :) come be friends with me on tumblr (raazberry) and twitter (zchwoods) <3


End file.
